Addiction

As most of you already know I am in the process of losing weight. What most people who have never dealt with being obese or overweight don’t realize is that losing weight is more than just a physical battle. It’s a spiritual, emotional and mental battle. It’s almost like I am going through rehab just like those who have substance addiction. I fight cravings, I fight worries, I fight commercials on tv, I fight my dreams of eating cake, a never ending piece of school pizza, yeast rolls and wake up furious. I fight the weight I already lost at the moment, because nobody wants that to come back. I have triggers when emotional, when the temperature is cold outside, when relationships with loved ones falter and memories occur, when my hormones change, when I go home, when driving, when in the grocery store. It’s everywhere.

The world of image is really hard on people who carry extra weight on their bodies. Yes, it is not healthy. I have no knowledge of the health problems on my mother’s side, but on my dad’s side there’s HBP and diabetes. I don’t want to be unhealthy. I started feeling unhealthy last summer 2013. I drive a lot back and forth from home to work, etc. I know I was doing a lot for my job yes, but it was like my legs were full of lead. I couldn’t pick up the speed to walk as fast as I wanted….Sometimes when I was at work and dealing with crisis situations there were times that if I did not find an exit or ignore, I think I would have passed out. It was bad. When I came back to Virginia from my beach vacation in August, I still didn’t feel well and I got my results back from my doc. I found out that I was still Vitamin D deficient, even after spending some hours in the Florida sun. I was also heavier than I thought and my hormones were out of whack. One problem begat other issues within my body.

I have stopped and started so many times. I’ve had many memberships of gyms, Weight Watchers stents, I have paid extensively for a personal trainer (which made me my healthiest strongest self ever. I loved it and loved my trainer and hated him too lol) Anyway, but the problem was, I never tackled the other layers. The emotional and mental self that exist underneath the physical needs a lot of attention if not even more attention than the physical. When did I learn that? In 2014. If 2014 doesn’t teach me anything else, I think to be aware of my emotional, spiritual and mental self will be lessons enough. I look back to being in college. It took me a few years to take advantage of the free gym membership, but when I did, I was there 4-5 times a week. I was the happiest person and I was also away from home. I am away from home again, having to deal with me alone. I get lonely, but at the same time these alone times have given me the opportunity to face my fears, anxieties, to face what my desires are, to face and reward my triumphs and to realize my strengths and needs.

My minister at home explained a phenomena a few years ago about what people tend to do. He said, some people come to you with monkeys on their backs and want you to take their monkey and put it on your back so they can be relieved of the monkey. What happens is that all of the sudden, if you keep taking other people’s monkeys, you end up with all this weight on your back, carrying it around with your original monkeys. He said, give those monkeys back to the people who gave them to you so that they can carry their own. His explanation has always resonated with me. I have always taken other people’s problems and carried them on me for years. I even think before I was able to make complete sentences. The anxieties, the fears, the worries have created a weight on my body that has become unhealthy. I think I heard someone say that adulthood is that time you have to get over your childhood. I think it’s true.

When I moved up here to VA my whole journey’s goal was to learn how to take better care of myself. To learn about life outside of my comfort zone. If I had to go back home broke, with my tail tucked between my legs, at least I would be going back having a better awareness of how to take care of ME and remember to inhale/exhale this mountain air.

I met with a lady from church while I was home who is also the Dean of Arts and Sciences at a local University. I wanted to break bread with her (without the bread lol) to pick her brain. I ended up telling her by the end of our conversation about self care and she agreed with my mind set. She said, I noticed that you have been taking better care of yourself. I see it in your face, a certain glow that wasn’t always there. 🙂

This weight loss journey, just like an addiction is a long one, full of drama, full of cravings, full of triumphs, setbacks, hopes, joy, worry to never go back. It’s one of the biggest battles because I am fighting for my life. Not an image. I don’t want to look like anybody else, but a better, healthier me. I now know how people with addictions feel like when trying to kick the habit over and over again. The toll it takes on your body..that can eventually lead to death if not taking control of. I was talking to my dad as we were watching tv last week. A dessert commercial came on and I looked at him and said. Man..remember there were like certain things you ate and never even thought twice about it? I mean you thought, but it wasn’t a concern. He said, ohhh yeah. I walk in the grocery store by the bakery to get my chicken and the colors of the sweets sing to me all of the time. Don’t let me go in there hungry. I do believe because I love bright colors anyway, the reason I flock to sweets anyway… why people would torture someone like me to decorate sweets in such bright colors is sinful and not right!

I have learned that this battle is not mine alone though. It’s God heading the line and controlling the focus. Thank YA!

Everybody has a weight though..whether it be carried around on your physical body to be seen by the masses or carried inside your emotional body to be felt by others when you’re around them.. What is your addiction? How are you dealing with your addiction?

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